Here I sit, with my son in his wrap because its the only place he will sleep. Even at night, he has to be connected with me in some way...this morning I left him asleep in bed to get a bowl of cereal and when I got back two minutes later he had squirmed his way to lay horizontal next to my pillow.
I can't complain about this...I'm practicing attachment parenting, so how can I complain about my child being attached? But I can't wait for him to get attached to someone else besides me. Its a little hard sometimes knowing that you are the One and Only for a child. I suppose that every parent feels like this, or at least they should since parenting is probably the biggest commitment you make it life. But there's something about breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping that makes it more profound. I am number one in Nicolas' life. Without me he wouldn't be able to eat or sleep. I can't be away from him for more than two hours at a time. He doesn't stay asleep during the day if he's not wrapped. We don't have a bucket carseat or a stroller he actually fits in, so unless he's going to stay in the car, he's connected to my chest wherever we are out and about.
I used to think that I liked cuddling, but I've been shown my limits this last months. One night at our 3 am feeding (which is probably the hardest for all moms), Alex woke up and moved a little closer and started stroking my arm in the supportive, breastfeeding dad "this is all I can do" way. AND I freaked out. "STOP THAT! TOO MUCH TOUCHING!! I CAN'T HANDLE THAT RIGHT NOW!!!" I feel so sorry for Alex and all that he's put up with from me as we are in this transitional time, learning to be parents. I understand why dads feel so left out during the breastfeeding stage...by the time I'm done satisfying my son's needs, there is nothing left of me to satisfy my husband's needs.
And although there are sometimes when I think that I can't take much more and maybe it would be easier to just give him a bottle and put him in a stroller, I quickly realize the benefits. This is a time that I can never get back...someday soon my son will be too old to want to cuddle and carry and he'll have much more important things to do then spend hours bonding with me. Plus it only lasts for a little while in the grand scheme of a lifetime. And according to all the research, someday my son will be more independent and more likely to be able to cope and socialize then his non-breast and non-worn peers. Plus I know my child, I know every little inch of him, I know all the sounds and I wouldn't give that up.
Everytime I look down at him and get to kiss his soft little head, I'm so glad that I made the decisions I did.
1 comment:
I totally get this post! I remember feeling that almost claustrophobic feeling when I was nursing and Tom started to cuddle. I guess just because I am running and that is what I have to compare it to. When you run, and your trying to increase your mileage running a mile farther is hard. It seems so far out of reach. When I ran my first 5K I had to train for several months for it. It was way hard. Now a 5K is what I do almost daily. It is the same with a baby. It seems so hard, and even though there are so many advantages- it is still admittedly the hardest thing I have ever done. I honestly think it gets harder-but like everything else in your life, your ability to handle it increases. You can do it. The Lord is with you. He knows your struggle and what you can handle. You are an amazing mommy- I can tell just by the concerns you have and your methods. You are doing great. Since you can leave him for 2 hours you should use that time wisely, and plan it carefully. Rejuvenate- paint, or create or go for a walk at Katherine Albertson park. That will do a world of good for your ability to give more.
OK, I will stop. Your doing great and don't need my advice, if you ever need to chat, feel free to send me a message
Erika
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